that's it i give up. even commas i think i will do without for a while. i've had enough. it's not working and i am not getting anywhere. or i should say i give in. i think i will do with for a while. i want more. it is working and i am getting somewhere. surely denial was invented for a purpose and so i shall live happy in denial but happy. only commas maybe as a sign of silent protest i shall continue to ignore. semi colons are they commas? do they deserve the same treatment?

i was out tonight. it's all going to start to make sense. i was out dancing. we danced on the dance floor. we got nearer. we danced together. that screamed headwreckage in my headwrecked head but i let it happen. my poor heart my poor head thinking at two hundred miles an hour sweating what will happen when we have to talk about it you know it. no you don't of course but lets just say it is a pain in the neck it is an obstacle to building something.

so we dance and we touch and we touch and we dance. i like it. not the same it obviously. but we dance and we dance and i touch but we dance. you know subtle like. so we dance and my head is on his shoulder my knees between his knees and the music is pumping or i can not remember the music it is not good anyway and i don't care about the music so much since he put his hand on my shoulder. so we kiss. we dance. we kiss we kiss we kiss we kiss.

it's unfortunate he must be special that i break my one or two week old vow of celibacy like that but no he is no more special than anyone else in the room other than for the fact that he kissed me. and i kissed him. that's nice. but it's on my mind. that it. the monster. i want don't want want don't want. the music is pumping and he is a smoker i can smell his breath his clothes but he is nice and he is a smoker and i used to be and i am tolerant. desperate? no tolerant and disgusted. so he goes out for a cigarette and he comes back and we dance and kiss and that's fine. then he goes out for a cigarette and i go out to watch him smoke and he has a friend who does not say anything to me and they talk to each other and i am not allowed to listen but it has to be bad.

so i go back and dance. i dance cause i came to dance and nothing more. oh get your body on the dance floor. so he gets his body down but we don't dance and we don't kiss and we don't talk and we don't smile. yes he smiled quite a bit. but now he is not smiling to me because he is not on the dance floor but i am. and i go "oh headwreckage" i know it is not a word usually but right now it is a word like a head on collision of my head chasing collisions. and i never find him again but i look just in case. but in case is not happening. no in case. nothing. not even a nostril hair left behind to tell me that i didn't have a nightmare.

so that's why i give up and i give up on commas tonight and tomorrow or the day after everything will be fine again and i will forget i was never going to use commas again.